What is Home?
A HOUSE is a roof to keep out the rain, four walls to keep out the wind, and floors to keep out the cold. But HOME is so much more than that. It’s warmth of living hearts, light from happy eyes, kindness and loyalty. Home is the first school and the first scout camp for young ones, where they learn what is right, what is good and what is kind. Home is where they go for comfort when they are hurt or sick. Where joy is shared and sorrow eased. Where Fathers and Mothers are respected and loved, and where Children are cherished. Where love and kindness is more important than money and wealth. Where even the teakettle sings from happiness. This is HOME.
Real Estate Humor
Funny Real Estate Sayings
* Our new house has one down payment and 360 darn payments.
* Homesickness is what you feel every month when the mortgage is due.
*The dream of the older generation was to pay off a mortgage. The dream of today’s young families is to get one.
* If you think no one cares you’re alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
* The trouble with owning a home is that no matter where you sit, you’re looking at something you should be doing.
* If you want to know exactly where the property line is, just watch the neighbor cut the grass.
* By the time you pay for a home in the suburbs, it isn’t suburbs anymore.
* A homeowner’s home is his castle. That’s how it seems until he stops paying taxes on it.
* MY PERSONAL FAVORITE: For Sale By Owner, FSBO, put a sign next to his House For Sale sign: We shoot every third agent and the second agent just left.
Seller and a Newly Licensed Agent
A newly licensed real estate agent had difficulty getting a listing from a customer whose theory was that “there is no substitute for experience.”
After the seller asked the agent a third time how many years she had been in the business, she told him: “Sir, there is a little known historical fact that Moses brought three tablets down from the mountain – two were the Ten Commandments and the other was my real estate license!”
She got the listing.
A young broker had just started his own real estate office. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
Sitting there, he saw a man come into his office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the broker picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”
The man said, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”
Buy Me Out
A very successful real estate broker had a meeting with his new son-in-law. “I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my real estate office. All you have to do is go to the office every day and learn the business.”
The son-in-law interrupted, “I hate office. I can’t stand agents.”
“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some paperwork.”
“I hate paperwork,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”
“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half-owner of my real estate office, but you don’t like office and won’t work in the office. What am I going to do with you?”
“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”
Congratulations On your New Home!
A client bought a new home and the real estate agent sent flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the home and the owner read the card; it said “Rest in Peace”.
The client was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said. “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on your new home.”
Shack For Sale
A cranky customer walks into a real estate office and says to a female agent, “I want to sell my damn house.”
To which the astonished female agent replies, “I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”
“Listen up carefully. I said I want to sell my shack!”
“I’m very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this office.”
The agent goes over to the office of the broker to tells him about the situation. They both return and the broker asks the obviously irritated customer, “What seems to be the problem, sir?”
“There’s no damn problem,” the man says, “I want to sell my million dollar house.”
“I see,” says the manager, “and this agent is giving you a hard time?”
QUESTION: What is the difference between a terrorist and a loan underwriter?
ANSWER: You can negotiate with the terrorist.
Husband asks his real estate agent wife: How is the sale of that splendid house that you listed on Main Street in Anytown going?
The listing agent answered: “It was going great. We’ve got an offer the first week on the market, ratified the contract …. and then Purchaser’s Grandma learned about it, she said she NEVER liked that house and would NEVER set her foot in that house…. The Purchaser voided the contract on Home Inspection Contingency. Hoping for another good offer.
QUESTION: What is the difference between accountant and economist?
ANSWER: Accountant says: “Ok, it works in theory, but does it work in practice?”
Economist says: “Ok, it works in practice, but does it work in theory?”
QUESTION: What is the difference between real estate agent and real estate lawyer reviewing a contract?
ANSWER: Real estate agent says: “Great. The Seller and the Purchaser reached an agreement and signed the contract. This is awesome.”
Real estate lawyer says: “ Ok, The Seller and the Purchaser signed the contract, but did they *intend* to sign the contract and should they be sitting at the settlement table?” Do lawyers ask that question a lot? NO. Only when lawyers are *reviewing* the contract and have to prove they earned their fee by finding something *wrong* in the contract. It almost NEVER happens when
lawyers are the ones closing the sale.
New Vocabulary in the Post 2005 Market
Homallucination: the ability to convince oneself that while the price of everyone else’s home will fall, your neighborhood is clearly different
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with!
Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly
Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time!
Perfect Home for Sale!
A store that has properties for sale just opened, where a Buyer may go to choose a property. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the amenities of the home increase as the Buyer ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch: you may choose any home from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a Buyer goes to the Property Store to find a home.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These homes have updated bathrooms.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 – These homes have updated bathrooms and new kitchens.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These homes have updated bathrooms, new kitchens and are priced to sell.
“Wow,” the Buyer thinks, but feels compelled to keep looking.
Onward to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 – These homes have updated bathrooms, new kitchens, are priced to sell and have great views of the beach.
“Oh, mercy me!” the Buyer exclaims, “I can hardly stand it”
Still, on to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 – These homes have updated bathrooms, new kitchens, are priced to sell, have great views of the beach, and come with an in-ground pool.
The Buyer is so tempted to stay, but instead goes up to the sixth floor and the sign
Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no homes for sale on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that buyers are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Property Store.
Use this real estate glossary the next time you read real estate adds:
CHARMING – Tiny. Snow White might fit, but five of the dwarfs would have to find their own place. See “Cute,” “Enchanting,” and “Good Starter Home.”
MUCH POTENTIAL – Grim. Steer clear unless you have a lot of money and believe your blind dates really did have nice personalities. See “Ready to Rehab,” and “Fixer Upper.”
UNIQUE CITY HOME – Used to be a warehouse.
HI-TECH/CONTEMPORARY – Lots of steel shelving with little holes – the kind your dad used to store tools on in the basement.
DARING DESIGN – Still a warehouse.
COMPLETELY UPDATED – Avocado dishwasher and harvest gold carpeting or vice versa.
SOPHISTICATED – Black walls and no windows. See “Architect’s Delight.”
ONE-OF-A-KIND – Ugly as sin.
BRILLIANT CONCEPT – Do you really need a two-story live oak in your 30-foot sky dome? See “Makes Dramatic Statement.”
UPPER BRACKET – If you have to ask . . .
YOU’LL LOVE IT – No, you won’t.
MUST SEE TO BELIEVE – An absolutely accurate statement
The Price of Expertise
A frantic homeowner calls a plumber on Thanksgiving morning, “Please you have to help, I have 20 people coming over in an hour and when I try to turn the faucet on, it makes this horrible noise and the water just dribbles out.”
The plumber says, “I can be right over but you realize I’ll have to charge you triple time because it’s a holiday.”
The homeowner says, “Of course, I need you.”
When the plumber arrives, he turns the faucet and it makes a horrible noise and the water just dribbles out. He turns the faucet off and bends down to look under the sink. He opens his tool box and grabs a large wrench. He hits the pipe really hard with the side of the wrench. He puts the wrench back in the tool box and tells the homeowner to turn the faucet on. It works perfectly.
“Oh thank you! What do I owe you.”
“That will be $600.”
“What?! That’s highway robbery! All you did was hit the pipe with a wrench! How can you justify such a fee? It took you less than 5 minutes to do your job!”
The plumber replies, “It might have only taken me to 5 minutes to hit the pipe but it took me 20 years to learn where to hit the pipe.”
Clean Title Back to its Origin
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:
“Upon review of your letter adjoining your client’s loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.”
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:
“Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from
France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as
the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus’ expedition. Now the Pope, as I’m sure you may know, is the emissary of J_sus Chr_st, the Son of G_d, and G_d,it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that G_d also made that part of the world called Louisiana.
G_d, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find G_d’s original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?”
The loan was approved.
It’s All About Out-Smarting Competition
A broker was dismayed when a brand new real estate office much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read, “BEST AGENTS”
He was then horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading, “LOWEST COMMISSIONS”
The broker panicked, until he got a great idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own real estate office. It read: “MAIN ENTRANCE.”